u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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