If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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