The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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