Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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