Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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