Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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