capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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