i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
