bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
