I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
