R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
