So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
