I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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