where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
