You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
