I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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