They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
