I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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