You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
