she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
