Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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