Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
dude i'm inner monologue high
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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