I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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