apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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