make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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