So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
