I just cut my nipple shaving
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
