I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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