this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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