i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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