I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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