So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
