I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
