Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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