I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
