hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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