I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
