Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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