life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
