allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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