I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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