just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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