dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
