I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
