my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
