Well apparently he's into motor boating.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
