Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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