...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My life is pants optional.
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