everyone is single if you try hard enough
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
