If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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