This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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