Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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