There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
