Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
