I'm really into asian looking animals
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
