My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
