At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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