the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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